I hate New Year’s Eve. I love New Year’s Day.
My name is Lydia and I’m the elephant in the room.
I’m 240 lbs and 44 years old. I hate my body, and although he doesn’t say anything, I think my husband hates it too. I hate my cottage cheese thighs, my massive bum, my fleshy arms, my ginormous gut and my embarrassing cleavage, which only a sicko would find appealing.
I used to be a stunner. I had glossy hair and an okay body. My face wasn’t puffed up and my eyes sparkled. I had lots of admirers. I don’t look in the mirror any more…much. I delete pictures from Facebook and I try to avoid things like the beach and fancy parties…both of which I adore, because nothing fits and I feel mortified by my appearance. People who have known me a long time are clearly taken aback if they haven’t seen me in the last few years, and I can see the surprise on their faces.
My husband is on the verge of being very very successful and very very successful men tend to jettison fat first wives. I do not want that to happen to me, but I worry about it happening all day every day. I don’t want to be a stereotype…particularly when a lot of his success is thanks to my help, encouragement, sacrifice, and belief in him. But when he gets very very successful, he will want to do all kinds of things that 240 lb women can’t do. And I want to do those things too!
I’m not a Biggest Loser type, but I am no longer me, and that is unacceptable. I need to change, to make my marriage better, boost my confidence, and get the kind of life I want back. I am beginning to understand that my health is starting to suffer: I have heartburn, I feel uncomfortable bending over, and I have trouble sleeping.
I can’t really talk about how I feel about this with anyone, hence this blog. I need some friends and some help and some support. Will you come along? Help me confront the elephant in the room?
This blog is about how I got into this mess, how I plan to get out, and the 100 reasons I’ve identified for why I have to succeed this time. Why this is the most important thing I will do in 2011.
100 Reasons for Losing 100 Pounds:
1. Looking in the mirror again
2. More energy
3. Better health
4. Wearing high heeled boots
5. Wearing ALL the clothes in my closet
6. Buying new clothes
7. Throwing away the fat clothes
8. Wearing a belt
9. Sex on top
10. Sex with the light on
11. Spontaneous sex
12. Exploratory sex
13. Focusing on the sex and not how fat I am
14. Going to Paris in a trench coat and feeling fabulous
15. Putting on a wet suit
16. Walking into a room of people and not being the heaviest person there
17. A fabulous “I made my goal weight” speech at Weight Watchers
18. Having some really nice family photos taken with me in them
19. Feeling more comfortable in an airline seat
20. Kicking sleep medication
21. Jeans
22. Being able to open those plastic tubs of lovely clothes that no longer fit and having them fit
23. Tank tops
24. A little black dress
25. A beach holiday
26. Sexy lingerie
27. A wolf whistle…from anyone
28. Feeling fabulous
29. Having that #$%^& Alistair be impressed
30. Feeling like its okay to meet up with an ex
31. Having Mr. Elephant notice
32. Having everyone notice
33. Manchu Pichu on foot
34. A book jacket photo in a cashmere turtleneck
35. Crossing my legs and not looking like a gorilla
36. Cheekbones
37. Wearing those cute pink wellington boots and not getting chafed.
38. A skirt
39. Fitted clothing
40. Going dancing
41. No more perspiration
42. Advanced yoga
43. Self esteem
44. Having the seatbelt lie flat
45. A 30th high school reunion
46. Finishing something
47. Size Medium
48. Getting rid of the oversized men’s shirts I live in
49. Zippers
50. Better posture
51. Being ready to meet up with anyone and not worrying about the impression my body makes on people.
52. Stamina
53. Endorphins
54. Not feeling like a failure
55. Not stressing about it all the time
56. More choices
57. Feeling like I’m at least as attractive as my spouse
58. Being sure I can go into a new situation with the right appearance and clothing
59. Putting my fear down and moving forward
60. Not being afraid of the camera
61. Breathing easy
62. Glowing
63. Yoga tops with spaghetti straps
64. Arms
65. Loving the summer again
66. Walking on the beach without a wrap
67. Trying to ski
68. Trying to ride
69. Scuba diving…well maybe not
70. Glitzy parties
71. Crossing a crowded restaurant without feeling like I’m going to knock chairs over with my hips
72. Looking at a fashion magazine and thinking I could wear that
73. Sex standing up
74. Saying “yes” to the TV people…when they ask
75. Feeling cool
76. Feeling confident
77. Feeling calm
78. Everything from Gorsuch.com including the life
79. The wheel in yoga
80. A wrap dress
81. “How did you do it?”
82. A core
83. Climbing Mt. Sinai
84. Confidence when speaking in public
85. Not being just the words I write
86. Something other than food
87. No more dependence
88. Dismissing hang ups
89. Moving on
90. Sex that works
91. Being the best me I can be
92. Not worrying about dying of a heart attack
93. Getting this done
94. Not always being out with the fat crowd
95. Sex for me
96. Breath
97. Alignment
98. Balance
99. Strength
100. Power
Some of these are pretty pathetic…but that doesn’t make them less desirable. What do you think? What are your reasons? What’s your elephant in the room?