Elephant In The Room

May is for Me!

Weight: 243.5

BMI: 35.2 (Obese)

Fat percent: 44.6%

It’s May 1st and the first day of my month-long attempt to jump start my weight loss.  

The strategy:

Weight Tracking:  I got serious and bought a medical scale and BMI monitor.

Yoga:  frequent sessions of yoga – a mixture of astanga, bikram, vinayasa.  

Dukan Diet – a four-stage diet from a French doctor.  This diet limits foods to lean protein and vegetables, and what’s good for me is that it limits salt and eliminates alcohol. It’s just getting going in the USA.  I’ve read the books and it makes good sense.   Although I’m a big believer in Weight Watchers, I’m trying this new approach because I have trouble sticking to the WW points system – I do very well until the evening, then open a bottle of wine and the whole thing goes to pot.  

Last week, when I got the scale, I assembled it and was excited to get on and see how it works.  To my dismay, I had to inch the top block further and further right, until it got up to 247!  That was the closest I had ever been to 250. Since I retain a lot of water, doing a few sessions of yoga and drinking a ton of water brought it down to my current.  But it scared me.  Just as looking at myself in the mirror scares me – I am bloated.  I don’t walk gracefully, my buttocks are enormous and ungainly, and my face is puffy and very ugly.    

I’ve been planning this May for some time – I’ve cleaned out the fridge and stocked it with only the foods that are on the diet.  While it is hard to throw away food, I did chuck some of the items of half-eaten food left over from our Royal Wedding blitz, and my fridge pleases me with its clean, spare look.   

Strategy of the Day:  Put the weight loss plan first.   I need to be careful about agreeing to do things that will jeopardize my commitment to the plan.  I need to curb my knee-jerk reaction to be the hostess and feed the five thousand, which is a role I’ve adopted ever since I started to put on weight after my baby was born.  No one in my life is going to starve to death if I don’t pack a picnic or make a dinner.

Taking it one day at a time:  all I need to do today is stick to the diet and get to a yoga class.  That’s all I need to do.

How Do You Get To 243.2 lbs?

Sometimes, when I am ransacking my closet for something that will possibly make me look marginally less fat, I ask myself “How did I get here?”  I don’t linger on the question – just move on to try on another pair of dark stretch pants.    Today, I’m going to try and reconstruct what I did – and possibly more importantly didn’t do – to make this happen.

I was never very sporty.  My parents didn’t discourage exercise, but they didn’t encourage it either.   I had a good thing going on for a while in school when I was about 12 – I would “forget” my workout clothes and sneakers and spend a blissful 45 minutes on the sidelines reading a book.  A midterm “D” grade pulled me up short on that one.   

I went through my teens and twenties about ten or twenty pounds heavier than I should have been, but nothing drastic.   No physical activity appealed to me, and my education didn’t require me to be active.   In my early twenties I started to smoke.  In my early thirties, I got pregnant – quit smoking, but after I gave birth, fell into a big post-natal depression which I self-medicated with food and wine.   During the inevitable bad patch of my marriage, I distracted myself by becoming a fabulous cook.   Home alone with the baby, I would cook and sip, cook and sip.   Wine is my biggest stumbling block.   I can knock back a bottle a day easily, feeling very little affect except a craving for carbs.  Cooking makes me relax, it makes me feel in control (the food does what I want it to do) and there is a satisfying outcome.  Mind you, I don’t just gorge on what I make, in fact, I very rarely overindulge in something I make.   

My family don’t really care about food – not in the way I do.   My kids are slim, active, and very food neutral – or picky.  They eat when they are hungry and don’t when they are not.   My husband likes very simple “guy” stuff, and is very committed to regular exercise.  He’s easy to please, but a fantastic Boeuf en Daube doesn’t blow him away.  So, what have I been doing all these years, I ask myself.  Why have I been slaving away on complicated recipes that get deep sixed in the deep freeze when everyone would just enjoy a simple roast chicken and potatoes?

Good food and good wine, in my subconscious mind, are treats for good behavior, a soothing comfort after a bad day, or pick-me-ups when I am blue.   I regard rich food and wine as the centerpiece of travel, holiday entertaining, and interaction with friends.

Every now and then, I will pull myself together and cut back, cut out or just go cold turkey.  It doesn’t last long.  Something triggers me and I’m back to several glasses a night – more if I’m with friends.   This is the biggest hurdle for me to get over.  I’ve tried AA a few times – I just don’t feel it’s the right place for me, although it got me through some rough times.

I recently read in “I’m With Fatty” that foodies are actually the ones who have the best chance of digging themselves out of the weight trap, because they know food and they know how to work with it.   That’s good news, but I have known the mechanics and physics and biology of weight loss for about two decades now and I’ve gained over 50lbs.  So being a foodie clearly isn’t enough to manage weight loss...   

Let’s Do The Numbers

The thing about New Year’s is that you can’t exactly begin a new life right there and then, since there are all kinds of things getting in your way:

1. All the Christmas leftovers. I’m getting a lot better about giving and throwing away the food I don’t want to be consuming

2. The gym is closed. Ever notice that? Madness, really, because wouldn’t they just clean up on January 1st?

3. Weight Watchers is closed. Which is even stupider.

4. The kids are still on vacation (ah…but not for long)

So there you are, full of good intentions and you have to wait until everything gets back to normal. In my case, this involved a trip overseas: back to where Mr. E and I live in Eastern Europe: he works for a living in a large concern and I write for a living in a very small room in our apartment. Before taking off, however, I did pop into a Weight Watchers meeting and get a number, and used my tape measure and the online Body Mass Index calendar to lock in my appalling “before” numbers and here they are:

Height: 5’9”

Weight: 243.2 pounds

Waist: 43 ½ inches

Bust: 45 inches

Hips: 53 ½ inches L

eg (mid thigh) 29 inches

Neck: 15 inches Upper Arm: 15 inches

BMI: BMI is between 35-39.99 (Obese Class 2) 
If you have a BMI of 35-39.99 your risk of weight-related health problems and even death, is severe.

This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I’ve thought about being heavy, or fat, but never obese, but there it is: in black and white. Before I left, I also had a physical work up with a new doctor. I discovered that my cholesterol is up and an abdominal ultrasound revealed fatty cells on my liver, which some preliminary research suggests could be hindering my efforts to loose weight but far more seriously, can be lift threatening. Because I am…well…obese (I should get used to saying it, shouldn’t I?) I’m having trouble catching my breath when I climb stairs or do household tasks. I’m tired a lot, I snore, and I have trouble sleeping. None of this is at all aligned with being the person I want to be. So I have to change it.

Tune in tomorrow for: how I got here…

Have you done your numbers yet this year?  How are they looking?

100 Reasons to Lose 100 Pounds

 

I hate New Year’s Eve.  I love New Year’s Day.

My name is Lydia and I’m the elephant in the room. 

I’m 240 lbs and 44 years old.  I hate my body, and although he doesn’t say anything, I think my husband hates it too.   I hate my cottage cheese thighs, my massive bum, my fleshy arms, my ginormous gut and my embarrassing cleavage, which only a sicko would find appealing.

I used to be a stunner.  I had glossy hair and an okay body.  My face wasn’t puffed up and my eyes sparkled.  I had lots of admirers.  I don’t look in the mirror any more…much.   I delete pictures from Facebook and I try to avoid things like the beach and fancy parties…both of which I adore, because nothing fits and I feel mortified by my appearance.  People who have known me a long time are clearly taken aback if they haven’t seen me in the last few years, and I can see the surprise on their faces.

My husband is on the verge of being very very successful and very very successful men tend to jettison fat first wives.  I do not want that to happen to me, but I worry about it happening all day every day.   I don’t want to be a stereotype…particularly when a lot of his success is thanks to my help, encouragement, sacrifice, and belief in him.   But when he gets very very successful, he will want to do all kinds of things that 240 lb women can’t do.     And I want to do those things too!

I’m not a Biggest Loser type, but I am no longer me, and that is unacceptable.  I need to change, to make my marriage better, boost my confidence, and get the kind of life I want back.  I am beginning to understand that my health is starting to suffer: I have heartburn, I feel uncomfortable bending over, and I have trouble sleeping.

I can’t really talk about how I feel about this with anyone, hence this blog.  I need some friends and some help and some support.  Will you come along?  Help me confront the elephant in the room?

This blog is about how I got into this mess, how I plan to get out, and the 100 reasons I’ve identified for why I have to succeed this time.  Why this is the most important thing I will do in 2011.

100 Reasons for Losing 100 Pounds:

1. Looking in the mirror again

2. More energy

3. Better health

4. Wearing high heeled boots 

5. Wearing ALL the clothes in my closet

6. Buying new clothes

7. Throwing away the fat clothes

8. Wearing a belt

9. Sex on top

10. Sex with the light on

11. Spontaneous sex

12. Exploratory sex

13. Focusing on the sex and not how fat I am

14. Going to Paris in a trench coat and feeling fabulous

15. Putting on a wet suit

16. Walking into a room of people and not being the heaviest person there

17. A fabulous “I made my goal weight” speech at Weight Watchers

18. Having some really nice family photos taken with me in them

19. Feeling more comfortable in an airline seat

20. Kicking sleep medication

21. Jeans

22. Being able to open those plastic tubs of lovely clothes that no longer fit and having them fit

23. Tank tops

24. A little black dress

25. A beach holiday

26. Sexy lingerie

27. A wolf whistle…from anyone

28. Feeling fabulous

29. Having that #$%^& Alistair be impressed

30. Feeling like its okay to meet up with an ex

31. Having Mr. Elephant notice

32. Having everyone notice

33. Manchu Pichu on foot

34. A book jacket photo in a cashmere turtleneck

35. Crossing my legs and not looking like a gorilla

36. Cheekbones

37. Wearing those cute pink wellington boots and not getting chafed.

38. A skirt

39. Fitted clothing

40. Going dancing

41. No more perspiration

42. Advanced yoga

43. Self esteem

44. Having the seatbelt lie flat

45. A 30th high school reunion

46. Finishing something

47. Size Medium

48. Getting rid of the oversized men’s shirts I live in

49. Zippers

50. Better posture

51. Being ready to meet up with anyone and not worrying about the impression my body makes on people.

52. Stamina

53. Endorphins

54. Not feeling like a failure

55. Not stressing about it all the time

56. More choices

57. Feeling like I’m at least as attractive as my spouse

58. Being sure I can go into a new situation with the right appearance and clothing

59. Putting my fear down and moving forward

60. Not being afraid of the camera

61. Breathing easy

62. Glowing

63. Yoga tops with spaghetti straps

64. Arms

65. Loving the summer again

66. Walking on the beach without a wrap

67. Trying to ski

68. Trying to ride

69. Scuba diving…well maybe not

70. Glitzy parties

71. Crossing a crowded restaurant without feeling like I’m going to knock chairs over with my hips

72. Looking at a fashion magazine and thinking I could wear that

73. Sex standing up

74. Saying “yes” to the TV people…when they ask

75. Feeling cool

76. Feeling confident

77. Feeling calm

78. Everything from Gorsuch.com including the life

79. The wheel in yoga

80. A wrap dress

81. “How did you do it?”

82. A core

83. Climbing Mt. Sinai

84. Confidence when speaking in public

85. Not being just the words I write

86. Something other than food

87. No more dependence

88. Dismissing hang ups

89. Moving on

90. Sex that works

91. Being the best me I can be

92. Not worrying about dying of a heart attack

93. Getting this done

94. Not always being out with the fat crowd

95. Sex for me

96. Breath

97. Alignment

98. Balance

99. Strength

100. Power

Some of these are pretty pathetic…but that doesn’t make them less desirable.  What do you think?  What are your reasons?   What’s your elephant in the room?